Hello, it’s Dr Ro here talking to you about a subject relating to parenting.
It’s a question that’s been coming in and I don’t know if you’ve watched or listened to the Growth Tribe’s podcast that I have with Harminder Toor, it’s certainly a subject that’s going to coming up very shortly on that as well.
I wanted to share this with you because as a parent of two children, two beautiful daughters, I know exactly what it’s like to be in that space where it is like I want to be the best parent.
How can I be a better parent?
Are there any hacks to this?
And as I’m out in front of audiences when I used to speak before I became a parent, it was never really a subject that came up. But as a parent over the years, it comes through me as a speaker. And I make reference to my children, their journey, my journey as a parent.
So the kind of questions I get now are different from the questions I used to get, meaning that now people are asking me specific questions about parenting.
So I wanted to tackle this subject whilst we are here.
How to be a great parent?
And bear in mind these are my beliefs, my experiences and I’m bringing into this a lot of the personal development work, the relationship work, the interventional work I’ve done over the years.
So I would say if you’re listening take a pen and paper. I’m going to go through three things with you and whilst we’re doing it remember that these are just my beliefs. You don’t have to take them, you just listen to them and say, “You know what, no that doesn’t fit for me. Or, actually, that kind of makes sense and maybe I need to think about that and process it and apply it.”
Or it might be you take one out of the three things I’m going to share with you right now.
So how do we become the best parent? How can we become better parents to our children?
The first thing is I’m going to say to you, you’ve got to sort out this and you’ve got to sort out this. Meaning each of us carry with us a residual emotional, connection, significant emotional reactions, significant emotional responses to, or even beliefs or responsive beliefs, or responsive sets of values to situations that occurred to us when we were children.
Meaning that we’ve inherited a lot of our own parents’ behaviour patterns, beliefs, values, operating systems, views of the world, model of the world if you want to talk from an NLP perspective. And we inherited them early. Years one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. And as we got older we would have either rejected them or inherited them, not just at one level, but to a completely different level.
So what you’ve got to do and this is when I discovered you almost have to approach this with a blank canvas. I don’t mean just go into this randomly, what I mean is, ask yourself the question, and I’m going to use the word hang-ups.
What hang-ups, what negative beliefs, what fears, what cautionary behaviour patterns, what values do you possibly have right now that comes from a wound? Or experiencing something. A classic example is money for example. If you’ve watched your parents struggle with money you may have a set of beliefs that almost are fearful of, or resistant to ideas, opportunities, etcetera. Or make you very, there is a lack of abundance, scarcity and abundance. Makes you come from a very scarce place, where you almost hold onto things.
And I’ve seen this in families with one person just holding onto everything. They literally don’t want to let anything go at all. And why don’t they want to let anything go?
Because basically, they don’t want to risk losing it because they saw the parents do it.
So what I discovered is in order to be the best parent I can be, I need to be the best person that I can be and that comes on working on you.
Who are you?
Where are you now?
What values do you currently hold right now?
What set of beliefs do you hold right now?
So you can look at them go, some of these are great beliefs. “The one about health brilliant, the one about money great. Relationships not so sure had challenges recently in my relationship with my wife, my husband and actually, some of that is a mirror of what I did with my parents. Shit. That’s going to transfer to my kids.”
I’m not going to go there right now, but I can tell you that I’ve done a lot of deep unconscious work not just on me, but with other people and there is a form of language that occurs between adults and children in an unconscious way. And I’ve witnessed it being decoded. I’ve seen it both on myself and other people and I actually did an intervention years ago with a couple, and whilst we recorded that conversation, we were able to decode negative sentence patterns in there that were effectively being transferred to the daughter which they had not even realised.
So anything that you experience, anything you feel, anything that you have in your soul at memory level, a cellular level, an emotional level and intellectual level when you communicate outwardly to each other as parents, or to your children it literally becomes their whole belief system. They’re a blank canvas.
So the more you are communicating a set of distorted beliefs or wounded beliefs or, “Don’t do that because of this and don’t do this because this happened to my parents.” Or when I was young and we used that kind of language in such a way that it makes our kids feel fear attached to, for example, money. “I feel fearful now because mummy told me this about money.”
As a parent without realising it, we are controlling them. We are controlling them with our beliefs, what I mean is they don’t have a set of beliefs. They are developing those beliefs and they do it through a basic concept of modeling and association, listening and being around us. They become us, mini versions of us.
So I was at a parent evening about three years ago and it was a workshop about understanding the children’s behaviour patterns. And I was there as a parent, even though I do this work in large groups, I just wanted to be there and learn. I wanted to find out what I could do to be a better parent.
And this lady was like, “I’m really anxious about this because my son gets really stressed and anxious about the tiniest of things, and I sit down there and I say to him be careful of this, be careful of that and I’m just worried that everything he does, he is very, very anxious. And I was worried about this just last week, in fact, I remember talking to another parent and I got really worried about the fact she was saying this about her son.”
And I was watching her and she had not appreciated at all, that her anxiety was oozing out of her. Every single pore in her body to such an extent that her son had become a mini version of her. And now she’s looking at him, saying she’s anxious and worried about his behaviour but in fact, we are just mirrors and they mirror back to us.
So the first thing is you’ve got to take a look at your own core beliefs and values. And if you’ve never done that before a couple of things you can do. Go and have a look on YouTube and look up elite mine engineer, you’ll probably find some videos that I’ve done there. Which essentially are focusing people on understanding your core values.
Alternatively, keep a plug into the Growth Tribes podcast because it is a subject that we are covering on the Growth Tribes.
Thirdly, if you want to read about it certainly in the book I wrote in 2011, I have two chapters one dedicated to values and understanding your core values and where you are right now. And the other one on beliefs. I haven’t got time to do this right now, but if you go read that process you can understand and redesign your core beliefs and your core values as well.
So that’s the first thing.
Now look the other thing to do is and please get your pen out and write this down.