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Develop More Confidence: Part 2

Transcript for video below:

Dr Ro, “Hi, it’s Dr Ro, I’m here in Singapore on one of the beaches in Sentosa. I’ll just show you look at the beautiful view here. 

I am addressing a subject on how to improve my confidence, question that comes in a lot. 

And this is part two of a three-part video series. If you’ve watched part one, you know we’ve talked about the visualisation of how you are right now and how you want to be, and the beliefs needed to bridge that gap.

Let’s talk about part two, part two is about modelling. So, one of the things I have helped people on a one-to-one basis even a group basis over the years, is building this confidence quickly and being able to grab people’s attention in any situation. 

But this is more general, we are talking about your confidence overall. So it could be confidence in a relationship, could be confidence with your finances, with other people, it could be you’re trying to improve your presence in your workplace. Improve your business, getting your message across to customers.

Communication is wrapped into this as well. 

So, part two is about modelling other people that you believe are really confident in their nature. So normally when I’m doing this I say to people you’ve got to think of three elements. The physical state that person has, what they’re saying to themselves and also what they’re focusing on.

And I would like you just for a moment while you’re watching this to think about someone you know who communicates really well and is confident in their nature, in how they get themselves across. 

So if your issue is to do with relationships then look at people around you who are confident. It might be that you’re watching this and you’re single and you’ve not had a lot of confidence to approach people or to get back into a relationship over the years. So who around you do you see that you know is confident with other people from a relationship perspective?

You can also look at actors, actresses, successful people, celebrities, people that you have a respect for, who have similar values to you. And who you feel have got characteristics that you’d like to emulate.

Equally, it might be that you go back to the first video is you’re wanting to improve your confidence in the way you get your message across in the workplace. Whether it’s with your boss, with your peers, in a presentation environment. So again, think about who in your workplace or in other workplaces or in other businesses, or business in general, or on YouTube channels that you watch. Or possibly media, TV, movies, who do you see who’s great at communicating a message with confidence in that type of environment?

Until you’ve got someone to model I wouldn’t go any further at this stage, you can’t really say to me, “Well there is nobody.” Because you must have a frame of reference when you think about how you want to be.

So if I said to you how do you want to be in the workplace communicating your message across?

“I want to be like this, this and this. A bit like my friend Johnny and a bit like that guy I met when I was at the conference.”

Okay well there you go, there is an example of somebody you can model. So modelling is about taking that person’s characteristics and taking those characteristics inside yourself and then using them in that particular situation. 

As an example, if you said to me I want to be able to talk to my boss more confidently, or my peers at work more confidently, or in my business to my customers more confidently. And you want to get your product across or service across, or just simply get you across and feel better about who you are when you’re communicating. Then who do you know that does that already?

Let’s just say, for example, it’s somebody you met at a conference a few years ago, you’ve developed a bit of a friendship with them and your find they’re really confident when they arrive at any conference. They immediately connect with people, whether it’s a seminar, conference, whatever they have a natural way without being in everybody’s face. They just seem to get their message over really naturally.

My lovely lady says that people feel comfortable in their own skin, that is a great phrase. I like that phrase. 

So who do you know that is comfortable in their own skin when they’re communicating a message across?

Maybe you’ve watched one of my videos or one of my seminar clips and you’ve gone I  like the way Ro explained that. Well, then what did I do at that moment to explain that in such a way that you liked it? You can take several people not just one person. 

You’re looking at three components. You’re looking at first of all what do they do with their body when they’re communicating? I am physically sitting down here; you may not realise that. but I am. I might look like I’m standing but if I turn out like that I’m actually sitting down. But what I’m doing with my body language is I am using my chest. my shoulders, my face, my eyes, my intensity to communicate with you.

I’m allowing myself to let my hands and my words flow through my body. That way I can get an impact. So look at what they do with their breathing. What they do with their shoulders. What do they do with their head? What do they do with their eyes, how do they engage with people with their eyes?

It’s quite bright here so my eyes are tighter here, but normally if it was a dark room my eyes would be more open like this.

You’ve got to watch what they do, their breathing patterns. How do they move? Do they stand still? Probably not.

Somebody that is not a great communicator tends to shrug a little bit, look down, breathing patterns are lower, shoulders are sitting down there. These are things you can notice in yourself that you know are weak and ask yourself the question what gives that person a strong sense of physical presence? 

Their physiology, how does it feel?

How does it feel to you watching them?

And emulate that, practice it.

That’s the first thing you’re going to do is walk around and communicate in front of a mirror, imagine you’re sat at the desk if you’re across a peer trying to explain yourself. Looking them in the eye, not looking down not reflecting inwardly but looking outwardly with that physiology. That’s the first thing.

The second thing is what is their language pattern? 

What are they saying? 

What words are they using?

Start to look at people that are communicating with impact. Notice how they use their words, they do not say words like, “Erm.” I’m talking to you here I don’t feel an obligation in the space between words to go, “Erm I want to explain to you erm about my erm project we are going to do as a team. So erm.”

I don’t need to do, I can just simply say, “So what I’d like to do this morning is talk to you about three things. I’m really excited as a team I know we are really effective. I know that we can do great work, in fact, Johnny what I love about you is you’re very detailed in the way you do your work. Sarah, the fact you communicate so well with the clients really helps me because as a team…”

There you go. 

You’re picking on certain things, what are they doing?

What language are they using?

What sentences are they using?

What words do they use?

Use empowering words rather than disempowering words. Don’t mind about the space between sentences or words because you know what, sometimes, a pause creates more impact. It gives the person the chance to actually listen to what you’re saying. Even me doing that there, you have to think about it for a minute.

So don’t worry it’s okay to have pauses, it’s okay to be able to breathe, gather your thoughts together, think about your message, look down at your notes. You’re not looking down because you don’t feel confident, you’re looking to look at your notes. You can even say, I’ve got four things written down here that I want to cover with you, so as I go through this I’m just going to check I’m not missing anything.

There are lots of words we can use. Think about the most powerful communicators who are confident in their nature and take some of the extracts of what they do and use that. So that is number two.

The third thing is what are they focusing on?

Now somebody who is lacking confidence is focusing inwardly. They’re looking at themselves and they’re thinking about what they’re not very good at, thinking about how poor they feel, how they feel small. Being overweight, underweight, too tall, too short, they might have all the voices from the past in their ears. “You’re never going to amount to anything son”. And getting all that negativity.

Forget all that.

Screw that. The past is the past.

You know what, smack it out. Who gives a shit? It is like this is the past, you go into the meeting and you focus on the key messages you want to get across. What are those key messages?

So don’t think about anything else outside the room or in that moment. Don’t think about any distractions of what you heard in the past, or what they might have said in the past, or how they might have reacted in the past. And if there has been a reaction in the past bring that into your message if it is necessary. “Three things I want to cover today one of the things I want to start with is in the past we’ve had a few meetings and you haven’t always reacted so well to what I’ve been saying. I fully appreciate that but I want to address that first.”

Get it out the way.

Get the elephant out of the room and now focus on the key results. Your focus has to be on getting a result and if you’re emulating somebody what do they focus on? 

What do great communicators focus on?

What do people that get results focus on?

If you’re talking about couples in a great relationship when they’re together what are they focusing? Somebody that is not in a great relationship and they’re very ego-driven they’re focusing on themselves. Whereas a couple that is really connected and loving they’re focusing on each other. They want to see how they can make the other person feel even more amazing. 

Two totally different situations. 

So physiology, you’re modelling them. You’re practising the language, what do they say and the sentence structure.

Finally, what are they focusing on to get that most impact for communication? 

To make themselves feel confident about themselves and the situation without being ego-driven as well. 

We are going to go onto video number three somewhere else whilst I’m here in Singapore, so watch out for the video.

I shall see you soon go practice, practice, practice.

Video one, video two, start emulating, start modelling.

I’ll see you on video three Dr Ro, signing out.

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