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Develop More Confidence: Part 1

Hi, it’s Dr Ro, I hope you’re well. 

I am here in beautiful Singapore and directly behind me, you might see the Sentosa Merlion.

I wanted to address the subject and I’m going to do this in three short videos.

The subject is, how can I develop more confidence, or how can I come across more confidently when I’m talking to other people?

That could be in a business environment, personal environment, maybe even in the relationship environment, whatever the setting is.

So I’m going to tackle this in three stages. The first stages are this, it is really, really important that no matter what your situation, remember that you’re the only one that knows that you’re not feeling confident in that situation.

I think that is a difficulty for a lot of people as they believe that at that moment in time everybody around them is completely aware and totally thinks they’re not confident, but the truth is that you’re the only one that actually knows that you’re not confident in that moment.

I think that is a very, very important distinction. 

It’s more about your understanding and your belief about who you are at this stage. So the first element is working on you, meaning you’ve got to sit down and identify specifically what is it at that moment? Or what is it in those situations that you feel you are not confident about?

So is it your inability to communicate a message in a business environment?

Is it your inability or you feel your ability to not be able to explain yourself properly in that particular situation?

Is it the fact that you don’t feel that the person you’re talking to is going to like you or understand you, or believe you?

Is it that you feel that your physical state is not good as it should be either you feel your weight is too slim or too big? Or people perceive you in a certain way?

Remember all these things are what you understand and what you believe about you, and that it is it.

So you’ve got to sit and define that to start with. If you don’t write it down. If you don’t clarify on paper what that thing is, the challenge you’ve got is it will keep magnifying in your mind. Because the more you focus on something the more that thing magnifies. 

Let’s say for example that you don’t feel you have the confidence to express yourself in a business environment and you are being asked to go into meetings, possibly to approach your boss, possibly to have a group conversation or explain what you do in the work environment, whatever it is. And you’re feeling at this moment in time people aren’t going to listen to you. And you don’t have the confidence to explain that, as in what you want to share with people.

The key thing at this stage is to write down exactly what you’re feeling. “I feel this, I noticed this. I think people are looking at me and feeling this. I think they see me this way. This is how I perceive myself.”

Describe in detail how you perceive yourself. So we are basically working on your fundamental core beliefs of who you are at that particular moment, doing that particular thing. 

It could be that if I took you out onto a football pitch or a netball pitch, or a basketball pitch or some sort of sporting activity, whatever it is you do. You’re the master of that. You’ve got no problems whatsoever. Let’s say it’s football, you get the ball you can pass it on, you’re great in midfield, great in defense, whatever it is, and you feel really confident there. Not a problem.

But if I put you in a position going to work and explain your presentations, your work case, whatever it is you need to get across. You struggle with that, so take you out of there put you back on the football pitch you feel great. Take you out the football pitch

back into a work environment or a conference, and you feel terrible. You don’t feel you have the confidence to get that across.

That is not unusual. People can perceive themselves differently in different circumstances. And the challenge you’ve got is if you carry that belief around everywhere you go, you will start to notice that it magnifies. Whereas if I took you to a football pitch anywhere in the world and you start to play with other people that’s not going to be a problem. You’ll go, “Yeah I’m great at this, I’m awesome at this.”

Once you’ve captured on paper what it is that you feel about yourself, the next thing to do is describe how you want to come across.

So, what exactly do you want to get across?

How do you want to come across?

How do you want to appear?

Who do you want to get your message across to?

How do you want to impact the other person?

Now if you do not describe this, your mind by default because we get what we focus on, the mind by default will actually go back to the negativity. 

So what we are doing is describing over here how you currently perceive yourself and then I’m going to ask you to describe here what you want to actually achieve. How you want to be perceived, how you want your message to get across, and how you want yourself to come over to the other person in this situation.

Remember, there are loads of different situations where your confidence or your self-confidence can be diminished. This is one talking to other people in a working environment but do the same thing in your personal situations. 

For example, it might be you’re afraid of dating people, or you don’t feel confident.  It might be you feel uncomfortable around certain friends or groups of people. In the school environment if you’re a youngster watching this. It really doesn’t matter using the same model. 

Describe how you currently feel and then describe how you want to come across.

The key thing here is to identify what characteristics, what things that you would need to have in order to be the person that you want to be. Presenting, sharing in this case, communicating a message over. 

So, for example, let’s say you say, “How I am at the moment like this, but I want to be confident, I want to appear clear, I want them to understand my message. I don’t want to babble when I’m describing. I want to be able to get my message in simple sentences where people go, okay I know exactly what you’re saying. Yes, we believe in you. Yes, we would like to work with you.”

Or whatever it is you’re providing, selling a Service, “Yes we want to buy your product.”

So that’s the description. What has to happen in order for you to be that person? Then you start to look at your beliefs. You might say, “One of the beliefs I need to adopt Is that I’m an amazing communicator.”

So write that down.

Remember I’m now perceiving myself to be that person. The person I want to be, the person I want to get across, how I want to be perceived, how I want to operate. So that person in my mind, that person would believe they’re an amazing communicator, so write that down. 

What else would they believe about themselves?

“Well, they would believe that they are clear and concise. Sentence structures are short and specific. They’ve done their research, they’re prepared. They see themselves as confident.”

These are all the beliefs that you need to install. They’re healthy, they’re vibrant whatever the situation is and their physiology is strong. So over here you might have been describing your physiology as weak, slumped, not feeling confident. Eyes down, breathing heavily, bumbling your words. Whereas here, this person is physically feeling stronger. Their presence is projecting clear.

These are all the things they believe about themselves.

Remember what we are doing is pitching a table and each leg represents a set of beliefs. The more legs you have underneath the table the stronger that table is.

Good. So that’s the second stage. 

The first stage is how you perceive yourself right now, then you look at how you want to be and how you want to get across in that situation. This is about self-confidence remember in this situation. And then what beliefs would you need to have in order to achieve that at this stage.

Now that’s all I’m going to do for now, not going to do anymore. I’ll pick this up in part two of the video series on this, there are three parts to it.

But for now, your homework is to go and write down how you see yourself in that situation where you’re not very confident, whatever the situation is. It might be as a parent, might be as a child talking to parents, for example. And then how do you want to come across, how do you want to be perceived, how do you want to feel? And then what beliefs would you have in order to be that person?

We’ll come back to part two and I’ll share what that is on the next video.

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