I share this with you to be aware of it, so you might want to look at your own relationships but also it might be you want to work on your own relationship. Because you can move up these levels by the way, if there is enough love. There has to be an underlining love in a relationship.
Level three is probably the most common actually. This is what I call the modern-day balance couple. You both care about each other, you met, you fell in love if it’s an intimate relationship.
Remember this can also be families. So is it possible that an elder brother or elder sister or younger brother and sister is financially supporting other people in the family?
Just heard a conversation there where she has got certain members of the family she is bringing together. If everyone is coming to you, they are dependent on you.
Has anyone experienced this by the way? By a show of hands.
Who has been in a situation where you are a strong support for the family in the past? By show of hands let me see. Okay, has that continued or does it happen every now and again? Or has it always been there?
“It has always been there.”
Okay that is not unusual then. So you’re going to have a level two relationship with your family as well. But I’m talking generally with intimate relationships this is your couple that have met maybe in their youth, they got married late 20s early 30s. Very strong connection to start with, never did any values assessments. Never really understood their values, they just got together.
The challenge you’ve got, just so you know with any couple when they get together is this. It’s positive and negative. There are six basic human needs but I’m not going to go through all of them. One is variety, another one is security, another one is connection and another one is significance. Feeling important.
When you meet somebody for the first time get you get loads of variety. Agreed? When you meet somebody for the first time you get loads of security because you just feel really safe, “this is great I’m in a new space here, I’m absolutely sure I can have some fun with this person and I feel safe because we’re connecting, and it’s all great.”
So these needs get met very quickly. The other thing is you’re paying a lot of attention to each other when you first meet. Agreed? Significance. That means significance. This is Maslow by the way. You feel important because they are showing you a lot of attention, they’re giving you lots of variety. “Let’s go here, let’s go to this restaurant, let’s go on holiday. Let’s book something for the weekend. I can’t wait, I know they’re going to be there and I’m going to see them on Friday because we are so attracted to each other.”
A huge connection, physical, emotional, sexual, whatever.
Four massive needs met. That’s how it starts. But one of the things I’ve noticed with relationships over time is that drops off. Because you’re used to each other now the complements stop, the showing attention to that person all the time dies off a little bit and they don’t feel as significant. Because they’re always there, they’re safe and secure.
Does that make sense?
So it tends to gravitate towards security, which is safe, not so much variety unless you have kids but then it’s a different type of variety. And the connection is not as passionate now unless you’re working on it. It intends to be a routine for one of a better word.
Hands up if that makes any sense?
And that is unfortunately, I’m not saying this in a negative way that is the nature of the dynamics of how relationships flow and it can last for years and can be an okay relationship. But ultimately, if you can work on somewhere between these two it becomes fantastic. Level four is just about growing unconditionally.
The problem here is if you don’t have the same values or one of the people in the relationship doesn’t want to do this, grow. By honest show of hands who has been in or is in a relationship either now or in the past where you’re with a partner that doesn’t necessarily want to grow?
So your challenge, of course is this a level four relationship because one person here wants to grow, experience new things. Kids can the same thing in their friendships. They’ve a friend that maybe is down here and doesn’t want to go have lots of new experiences. Savannah has travelled a lot this year and for that is great, but if she doesn’t have friends that want to do that unless she finds new friends, she has got a choices as an 11year old. As she gets older does she compromise to live by their values or does she choose to keep growing and traveling.
Does that make sense?
It’s the same for all of us. So I personally think this is one of the biggest challenges. Growth. Which is ironic because we are in the Growth Tribes.
So the person wants to explore and I mean physically or emotionally, intimately. The there’s no fear because, so what is we screw up? So what if we make a mistake? We are doing it together, there is an absolute honesty. “This was okay for us, but hunny let’s go to another level.”
Or if it’s your parents, Kate Wakefield who got married recently if you remember her mum was fantastic. She came to a few of the personal developments event that I sued to run. And she was at the wedding and she came up to me gave me a big hug and said “thank you so much for the great experiences we had, I love doing all that stuff with you. Kate and I went and did this.”
It was so nice to see a parent in that space with their children. But that’s not so easy to achieve. Depending on the parents, depending on the children. In intimate relationships that’s the toughest one to reach and stay there consistently.
Stina and I we have worked on this for years. But there’s times when you’re got kids, you’re bouncing back and forwards. And there are periods where you can’t go there because you are literally now responsible for the needs of a younger life.
Does that make sense?
So suddenly you’re floating down here because there is a dependency. Who are in the room? If you’re looking at this thinking, that would be Nirvana Ro. Well you’ve also got kids which puts you back down here. So you have this relationship with your children and I’m saying this in front of my own daughter, but we have to provide that emotional security for them. And somehow look after our relationship as well, and you can get out of sync.
That doesn’t mean to say that you don’t want to do it. It is just that you’ve lost your way or life has got too busy. And part of my role here with you is to say it’s okay but beware of it. And the minute you are aware of it you go, “yes that makes sense.”
By the way does that make sense?
And then you go right let’s get back up to level four, let’s do one thing to start with, one little thing. Doesn’t have to be huge and id we don’t keep working, I can guarantee if you are not doing that by default, you can only go somewhere down to here. And it could be a relationship that could regress down to here. Where, “let’s just stay together because we have got a mortgage together, we are both working, sod it. You play football, I’ll see the girls, don’t really see you very much and maybe the odd occasion we go out.”
You don’t want that.
Who has seen one of those levels in people around them? Hands up if you think most of your friends are in a level three or level two, generally. I would say 90% of the population are there. These tend not to last very long; you’ve probably seen them before and you know when they’re happening.
Okay, tell the person next to you what relationship level you think you’ve been in most of the time in your previous relationships and your past relationships, or current relationship.
So current or past relationships, where do you think you have been? Quick share with the person next to you. For the kids, maybe in school friendships.